Myth of the Bad Guy: Self-Defense Situations

One of the things that distinguishes the Wrong Woman Program is that it spends a lot of time talking about the context of use for self-defense and the nature of attacks against women. And I believe you call it the myth of the bad guy. Yes, absolutely. I love that terminology. What is the myth of the bad guy? Well very often people will teach for this idea that somebody is gonna jump out of the bushes and scare someone. Or they're gonna abducted them and throw them in the van. I mean, that's the most prevalent one is, you know I hear folks say that you have to park away from vans because somebody might jump out and grab. Well, I look at the statistics and let me tell you it's a pretty small statistic, if not completely non-existent that somebody is gonna grab you and throw you into a van. Yet that's where women train and that's what they train for. So the myth of the bad guy is that it isn't going to be very often. And it's very important that I say that of course, those things happen but they're so small, statistically. You don't wanna train for the lowest statistic, more often, far more often, it's going to be somebody in a woman's environment, somebody that she knows and trusts and may have actually primed her for that moment of a violent altercation. That's the person that we train for. Not so much the mysterious person with a hood on that's going to be frightening. So we talk about not this person who's gonna be on the jogging trail, I think that's the one that comes up a lot of times. That's a huge one. We're on the jogging trail so we're gonna have our pepper spray in our hand or something like that. And while that may not be a horrible idea if that's all you're thinking about if that's all you're thinking about is this isolated attack the stranger assault is what I like to call it. If that's all you're thinking about you're missing the most likely assault. I don't know exactly what the numbers are but I'm sure you're familiar with them. And people at home can look them up on the internet. We can figure out what's the latest reported statistic on the likelihood of being assaulted by a family member, a coworker, ex-boyfriend, someone that you again knew and trusted You know, you're right. And the good thing about that is that it brings people to classes. That's great. We want folks to go to self-defense classes but if the class only teaches for or prepares for that moment, when the, you know, mysterious bad guy is gonna jump out of the bushes they're doing a huge disservice to the folks that come to the class. So the objective becomes to teach more toward the likely scenario than the unlikely. And again not saying that those situations don't happen. Of course they do but they are sensationalized in the media. So that is what folks focus on. And we wanna make sure that once they come into the class that we're giving them the real skills for the situation that has a greater chance of actually happening. If I put myself in that situation where I'm beyond two arms reach. I'm the bad guy. I'm that guy in the mask jumped out from behind the bushes. What's something that gets taught here in this space that you don't think is really where women need to be focused. Well, in most classes, one of the big techniques is the palm strike to the face. And the premise, the setup is that somebody would jump out of the bushes at you or run at you or would approach you in a parking lot. And the woman is gonna feel confident enough to put her handout in front of her and actually hit somebody in the face. The truth is it wouldn't happen because women have to process that situation. And again, we get back to that ability to be able to make that split-second decision. Well, most women that I know are not going to put their hand up and really strike somebody in the face unless they know that person is a threat. And it just quite frankly takes time to figure out what the heck is going on. So the reality of an attack is that it usually by the time the woman knows this is a problem. Like I'm in big trouble here. They're already up close and personal and it's already a disaster and now they have to respond. So we might see something like a public environment space where even if that person is a stranger they go from complete stranger. Never saw them, never thought about them, never did anything, you're pumping gas, they come around the corner and say, excuse me can you help me find this place I'm looking for? And they have a map in their hand right away that distance gets closed. And now the palm strike useless. Well, it's useless for two reasons. The woman is still trying to figure out, what is this person's intention? Nobody that I've ever spoke to wants to palm strike somebody just out of prevention. And so they're going to give the person the benefit of the doubt. And this is after talking to so many women doing the research. You know, we'd like to think in our perfect world that if you come up to me and I don't know who you are and you say, do you know where this is? That somehow, if I feel uncomfortable, I'm gonna hit you in the face. Well, it's not going to happen. It's going to happen after you've closed that gap so distinctly that now I feel threatened. And then I have to process my response. So teaching something like the palm strike and teaching it as a proactive move, it's really very, very reckless because the women feel like it will work for them. But in actuality, because of the close proximity because of the speed of what's going on. And because the woman is trying to figure out what is happening to her. It's gonna be too late. Now, another thing that happens in terms of being too late is the issue of giving yourself permission to act. And while that person who shows up with a map and then drops it and grabs you it's pretty easy to give that permission at that moment. What about the person that the woman knew? What about the uncle that had a little too much to drink at the holiday party? What about the coworker who decided that he read the cues wrong? And he thought it was okay to close the door and now make a physical advance. That person who literally 30 seconds ago you knew and trusted and maybe would have had pick up your kids from school. Now this person is attacking you. How do you tell women to deal with that moment? No, that's the psychology portion of it. And it's not simple. I am not gonna spout off statistics, but what I will tell you is just the many conversations that I've had with women, they do articulate that that is quite frankly the hardest thing. There's the disbelief of this is actually happening to me, then ironically, and again this comes from conversations with women that have been in this situation, there is the worry, the worry, how is this, you know, if I smack my coworker, if I elbow strike him in the face, how will that reflect on me later? And it's very interesting that that even begins to enter their mind, but it is a fact and it is something that we have to deal with. So bringing it out and topic and saying it is okay at that moment in time, when you feel threatened and you need to stop that situation it is absolutely okay to do so. And it's interesting that just telling somebody it's all right to do that is the first step. It's not gonna take care of it. It's not a one second solution, but it will help them to get to that point where they can respond. Oh, I think that's all great advice. It's important then to understand this idea of the myth of the bad guy, it might be the guy in the ski mask with the van and the duct tape, but not necessarily. You have to be prepared for attacks that are gonna come up very close and not start far away. And then we also need to worry about giving ourselves permission ahead of time. And as you said, I think that's great advice. Just visualizing it, thinking about it, knowing ahead of time that it might be someone you knew and trusted just prior to the attack that you have to use physical force against to stop is probably a huge step to get. I actually think that is one of the biggest steps, is the visualization and the role-playing. When we work with college age girls who unfortunately end up in situations where they are uncomfortable and potentially in danger, we actually role-play it. And we role play that they're with somebody that they know that suddenly they're in a very uncomfortable, potentially dangerous situation and we have them articulate the response and go through the movements of it, having that file in their brain, it's critical. Absolutely! Don't fall for the myth of the bad guy.